Advocating

..."And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. "     -Micah 6:8


If I asked you today, what would be your response if you found out one of your children was being abused, treated unfairly, or neglected by someone else? 

I'm pretty sure I know your answer. 

You'd fight with everything in you to make sure that you protected them and guarded them from injustice. 

It's what any loving parent would do. 

That fierce instinct is born in us the minute we meet the little ones we call our own. 

But what about the kids that aren't ours?  What about the kids that, in fact, don't belong to anyone?  

There are millions of children, internationally and in our very own cities, who don't have anyone fighting for them.  

They are being abused, neglected, and ignored. 

And they need an advocate. 

Advocate: A person who pleads for or in behalf 

or another; intercessor.

You don't need money to advocate.  

You don't need a degree in social work.  

You don't need to have all the answers.  

You just need to use your voice to fight for the lives of children hurting around you. 

Let me share a few of my everyday heroes who have been advocating for the children around them. 

*My foster mom friend, "S" who has been fostering a six month old baby girl since she was born. They LOVE this baby girl, but have known that she would not stay with them forever.  Two families have petitioned for custody of the baby and "S" did not have a great feeling about one of the families.  She spoke at length to the social worker about her concerns and the baby was placed in the other family! 

"S" was advocating for the baby's best interest-  she had no claim on her, the baby was leaving her house whether she wanted her to or not- so she was going to make sure that the child had a fighting chance at life in her next placement.  THIS is why we need more loving, involved foster parents! 

*My blog-world friend Lindsy-  her family has been caring for two little ones that have been in and out of their home the last few months.  They are in an unhealthy situation with their birthmom, and Lindsy and her husband have been fighting to provide stability for them.  When they went MIA with their birthmom a week ago, Lindsy did everything in her power to locate them and connect social services with them. 

Their story is still unfolding, but Lindsy and her husband will continue to fight for them until they are in a safe place, whether it is their home or somewhere else. 

*My friend Andrea- this summer, her family of six hosted an 16 year old girl, Tetiana from the Ukraine  in their home for five weeks.  She has spent most of her life in the orphanage and would "age out" of the orphanage while spending the summer in the US. (When a child ages out of an Eastern European orphanage, the statistics are high that they will end up homeless, in prostitution or on drugs. )  

At the start of the summer, Tatiana was adamant she did NOT want to be adopted... however, by the end of the five weeks, she had changed her mind, and time was running out.  Though she would not be a good fit in Andrea's family of four little kids under age 8, Andrea put Tetiana's story out on her blog and facebook, hoping that a family would have all their paperwork together and be able to adopt her at the last minute.  

Unbelievably, through a CRAZY string of events- there was a family who were able to adopt her! They went to court yesterday!  If you have time, please read this story- it's amazing. 


NONE of these families were advocating for their own children or children they were going to adopt- but their voices have and are making a HUGE impact in the lives of children who don't get to make their own decisions about their future. 

Friends-  YOU have voices. 

In fact, I know some of you personally- and you've got really loud mouths.  :) 

Please, please, please use your voices to advocate for the children around you.  

No matter where you live, there are hurting, abused, and neglected children that are close by.  

Please be their voice.  

YOLO, Bon Iver, and Bootcut Jeans.

I've somehow ended up in my mid-30's.  Still not sure how that happened.  

When I was seventeen, I thought 35 sounded really OOOOOOLLLLDDDDD.  

When I was seventeen, I also thought I'd stop getting pimples once I hit 20. 

I was wrong on both accounts. 

I'm still getting pimples and I don't FEEL old.  But my thirties DID produce some serious gray hairs sprouting out of my head. Not cool.  

I blame Brian.  They showed up after we got married. 

It's become apparent recently that though I don't feel old I AM getting a smidge out of the culturally relevant loop.  Here are some examples. 

1. I just recently learned what YOLO means. 

2. Upon seeing FB pictures of college girls wearing neon midriff shirts and jean shorts I assumed they were going to a theme party.  I was wrong.  This is 2012, real-life fashion, people. 

3.  I don't know how to pronounce Goyte or Bon Iver.

4. A college student was staying with us and forgot clothes for church.  I offered to loan her some of my jeans.  She asked for a skirt in order to avoid having to wear my bootcut jeans.  

5.  I still have the same hair length and cut from high school. That can't be good. Unless, of course, it's coming back into style, much like those colored jeans I wore in 10th grade.  

I'm just going to ignore the fact that I'm headed full steam ahead toward forty, (gulp), and focus on studying the latest catchphrases, buying skinny jeans, and listening to more hipster bands. 

     

Playing the Game.

There are quite a few days when I feel really sorry for myself. 

I take stock of our situation- the long, unending journey to our children, both biological and adoptive/foster, and I can make a rather long list of our difficulties, heartaches, and disappointments.

This occurs because of one main reason.

I like to play the comparison game.

As women, I think most of us play it, whether we know it or not. 

In fact, it happens almost every time we walk into a room with other women.   Upon entering the room,  we set up a hierarchy, with the prettiest, smartest, wealthiest, or most powerful women at the top, and the women directly opposite on the bottom.

The closer we can get to the top of the hierarchy in at least one category, the better we feel.  And as long as we look better, think better, or are more successful than someone in that room, we are affirmed. 

It’s an ugly game.  No one knows you’re doing it. But most everyone is playing.

When I play the game, and look at women around me who are my same age,  I can fall pretty short.   My idea of family hasn’t quite come to fruition like I planned and compared to everyone else, I’m pretty far behind.

Other adoptive families have brought two kids home in the time we will have completed our first adoption.  Friends are now pregnant with their second baby since we started the process.  Most people my age have kids entering elementary school. 

Comparatively, I lose.

It can, at times, knock me into a tailspin.

Anybody else with me?

We can compare anything.

The size of our home.

Our beauty.

Our weight.

Our marriage.

Our children. (Or lack of them.)

Our job.

Our clothes.

Our status.

This comparison game steals my joy on a frequent basis and significantly distorts the truth of what I actually have been given in this life.

Comparison makes me think about what I DON’T have. 

There is no winning- it’s just more and more of playing the game in hopes to some day be satisfied with where I measure up.

But it’s a game I just can’t win.   

Someone else will always be prettier. 

Taller. 

Skinnier. 

Smarter. 

More successful. 

Better dressed.

Wiser.

Have more well-behaved children.

And so very often, life has not turned out the way we would have imagined.  It’s easy to look around us and wonder why everyone else has it so easy.

Just think about at what Facebook has created- a fertile breeding ground of “picture-perfect” lives.

A quick scroll down on your status updates shows sweet baby pictures, new homes, expensive beach vacations, and gorgeous wedding photos.  

Everyone’s children look put-together and well-behaved.  Rarely do we see a picture of a toddler in the middle of a full-on temper tantrum.  

Newlyweds take pictures adoringly gazing at one another amidst beautiful backdrops. 

We forgot how easy it is to make life look perfect and put-together in picture and short status updates.

I can only imagine how much of our perspective is lost or altered when we look at these pictures. 

The old saying that pictures tell a thousand words may be true.  But it’s a muddled story.  What happens is that we end up creating a story of that facebook picture that has a tendency to paint our friends lives in brilliant colors while simultaneously viewing our own lives as grayer and more drab by the minute. 

It’s fiction.  Plain and simple.

The comparison game can make us resent our husbands; wishing they did more, made more, loved us differently.

It can cause us to create unrealistic expectations for our children.

It makes us bitter and envious. 

Not really glowing character traits.

So what is our alternative?

One word. 

Thankfulness.

Thankfulness is focusing on what we DO have and what is right in front of us everyday.

But thinking about what we DO have is work.  It takes a concerted effort to not wish for what tomorrow may bring and instead focus on what we have been given today.

For those living in failing marriages, walking through chemo treatments, dealing with infertility, or a myriad of other heartaches; choosing to be thankful may be a minute by minute or hour by hour process.  

It may be finding just one thing to be grateful for, to get you through the day without crumbling. 

Choosing to be thankful shifts our perspective off of us and everyone around us and refocuses our eyes on the One who gives us life.  

It makes us realize that we have been given MUCH- no matter what our life currently looks like. 

So today, instead of focusing on the children I don't have or the unknown that we still face with baby J, I am choosing to be thankful for the many small and large gifts that I have been given. 

Here's just a few....

- J's big, two-tooth smile 

-Comfy couches

-Skyping with family

-Nap time (for both J and me!) 

-Dinner together as a family tonight

What are you thankful for today?  

Any other thoughts on the comparison game? Ways that you have learned to stop playing? 

Sunday Rewind: Plan A

When you adopt/foster, you get a lot of questions and comments from strangers, friends, acquaintances, and family.  I'm reposting one of my blog entries that explained our choices for our family. 


For those you who have just recently found the blog-- hey there and welcome! This post was originally written August 2011.  

I've been marinating on this post for a while.  Knowing it could ruffle some feathers. 


Adoption is not Plan B.  


Not for us.  Not for any family. 


We have never looked at it this way, but in conversations with quite a few well-intentioned folks, I realize that the general population often views it that way. 

"You know you'll get pregnant as soon as you finish your adoption." 


"I know a lot of people "your age" who are looking toward adoption because they can't get pregnant." 


"Do you want to have your own children?" 



I've learned that adoption is often viewed by many (on the outside looking in) as the consolation prize.  


Plan A didn't work.  So you're settling for what is available.  


I disagree and so would all the other adoptive parents I've ever met.  


There is no Plan B. 


The journey to adoption is NOT a surprise to God.  He's wasn't caught off guard by the reasons or the path. 


For some it's infertility or health reasons. 


For others it is how God calls them to add to their family.


For us, it's because God is made it ABUNDANTLY clear that we are to adopt.  Now.  


Many people assume because we are adopting first that biological children are not an option for us.  At this point, we have not heard otherwise, so we hope to welcome a freckled, type-A, northern/southern hybrid into our lives one day.  


But whatever happens, it will be Plan A. 


We are adopting now because there is a need and we have a call.  In the DRC alone, there are five million orphaned children.  


We could not get that figure out of our minds and hearts.  There was no reason good enough to hold off on adopting until we had biological children.  We couldn't stop talking about adoption.  We needed to start the process. 


We know it doesn't make sense to most of the world. 


God made it clear, so we're just following. 


Any child brought into our home, biological or adopted, will be real and be our own.  We pray that others will come to understand that as well, but we also know that we have the privilege of telling the story of redemption and grace each time someone questions our family dynamic. 


The story of Plan A for our family. 

What Today has Proven. (Otherwise known as the post in which I may lose friends.)

It's on the news.  It's all over my facebook newsfeed.

Christians love chicken.  Especially from Chick-fil-a.

I've looked at countless pictures of chicken sandwiches and waffle fries.

There have been quite a few status updates "sticking it to the man," in regards to gay marriage, free speech, and religion.

I've received numerous requests inviting me to the Appreciation Day.  I actually have had some folks tell me that I better be there.

Hmm.

What are we really trying to prove?

Are we representing our Jesus by posting pics of milkshakes and writing status updates boasting about how wrong the mayors of Boston and Chicago are?

For those of you that know me personally, you are WELL AWARE I love Chick-fil-a.  In fact, I fully support our local Chick-fil-a and their yearly revenue is probably subsidized by our household alone.

I eat there a lot.  I loooooooovvvvvve their unsweet tea with lemon.  Don't judge.

I also love the company.  I have family and friends who are Chick-fil-a operators.  I believe that they are one of the most well-run companies that truly cares for their customers and their employees.

They have given many of their employees college scholarships. They were more than willing to help us host a Spirit Night a year ago to raise funds for our adoption.  In my years of student ministry in Atlanta, they readily donated food to many of our events.

What I'm writing about today doesn't have to do with Chick-fil-a.

It has to do with the Christians who are seemingly waging war with words (and instagram pictures) in a battle that I'm not sure Jesus would even have engaged in.

Let's be clear, Jesus was firm on sin and it's effects.  He was the first to confront and the first to forgive.

But it wouldn't have been with a chicken nugget in one hand and his iphone in the other.

I think this issue is becoming more about sides.  Who can scream the loudest.  Who has the wittiest comeback that can shut down the other side.  Pride, in all it's ugliness is rearing it's head as Christians boast and claim their victory because the drive-through line is very long today.

I've read commentaries and statuses and watched how this has becoming a screaming match between political, sexual, and faith preferences.

And I just keep thinking- how is this like our Jesus?

I pray that if a gay young man or woman was actually brave enough to go in a Chick-fil-a today that they were welcomed with the hands and feet of Jesus.

But after what I've read online today.... I don't know.

Some of you will argue that this is just about free speech and democracy.

But Jesus was not about politics.  He was about freedom from sin.  Forgiveness.  Redemption.  Caring for the poor, the widow, the orphan.

What I can't stop thinking about today is that all we've proven that we need to win arguments.  That our side is bigger and louder.

I wonder how many of us, who know and love Christ and who support Chick-fil-a, took the time to  engage with someone who is gay in a conversation about faith in these past few weeks.  Not an argument. A conversation. One   in which we really listened to what they had to say.

As Christians, we can enjoy our sweet tea and chicken sandwiches, but let us focus on becoming more and more like Jesus.

I pray that we would be less concerned with winning arguments and proving our points and more concerned with loving our neighbors, helping each battle through the deadly grasp of sin, forgiving always, and caring for the broken-hearted.

I pray that rather than engaging in facebook flare-ups, we would spend our time advocating for those in this world that survive on much less than a chicken sandwich a day.

I pray that we would be less concerned saying "I told you so," and more concerned with introducing people to Jesus.

I pray that my Christian brothers and sisters would know that I write this not pointing the finger at everyone else, but turning it on myself as well.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Let us be just as passionate tomorrow about becoming more and more like Jesus as we were for a #5 combo meal today.

He's a Keeper.

The last few weeks the news has been filled with some really heavy, and frankly, really heartbreaking stuff.  From reading yesterday that China has prevented 400 million births over the last three decades to horrific stories of American teens being trafficked into the sex trade, my mind has been inundated with thoughts that range from frustration to sadness to helplessness.

It is harsh realities such as these that make me want to crawl into bed and never come out.

But alas, every morning I have a little one babbling from his crib at around 7am.

So one must get up.

When I need a bit of encouragement that all is not in shambles in this world and that redemption starts with one person at a time, I have to look no further than the man who gets up with me each morning to feed the dogs, make the coffee, and give our little one his bottle.

In a world where Jerry Sandusky and certain Catholic priests have tarnished America's view on men that care for children and teenagers, my husband has steadfastly continued to invest in the lives of young men and women.

As I heard TD, our "son" explain to someone the other day- "I had been going to the youth group before Brian ever got there and people would say nice things to us.  When Brian got there, he said some of the same stuff, but then.....he actually followed through with it, and we started to realize he meant it and that he actually listened to us and cared about us.  Brian was different. We knew he meant what he said." 

Brian has invested in countless lives of the teens around us.  For some kids, it's just a handshake and asking how football practice is going.  That's all they need.  For others, it's walking through the rough parts of life with them as they navigate through parents divorcing, the death of a friend, and school issues.

And some young men, he has to play the role of Dad, because they have never had one or lost their own too early.

What he teaches them is invaluable.  It takes time and it takes patience.

*How to respect adults and to respect themselves.

*How to look someone in the eye when speaking to them.

*How to fill out a job application.

*How to treat a woman.

He has had countless conversations with teens about dreaming and having a passion in life.  About choosing to not live in their past, but use their story to impact their future for the better.

There are no immediate rewards in this ministry.  Brian tirelessly fights for these kids.  He's taken three of them to get their driver's license.  He's taken some to medical clinics because there is no one else to take them.  He's well aware that sometimes people think it's sketchy to see a young, married man taking a teenage boy to the health clinic.

He is compassionate and caring, but at the same time, he demands better from them, because he knows it is in them.

Brian does not do this because it's his job.  He doesn't do it for accolades.  It's a way of life for him.

He is intentionally raising up men in our community.  Helping them understand what being a man is and what character and integrity mean in life.  He wants these guys to comprehend the true definition of what it means to be a husband and a father.

My husband is a constant encouragement to me that there is good in the world and that change doesn't happen often in mass quantities.

By watching him, I've learned that change and growth happens in the everyday decisions we make to care about other people.

Now, I'm not saying this man is a saint.  He drinks the milk straight from the carton (gag), he still hasn't cooked me dinner from losing a bet three years ago, and when he shaves his beard, the scruff never quite makes it into the trash can.

Aside from that, he's a keeper.

I am so proud to call him my husband and proud of the choices he makes every day.

I waited 31 years for this man and they were well worth the wait.

Thankful for the Village

Some of the families from our training class are in the process of transitioning their foster children back to biological families.  

And it is hard. 

These families have done exactly what these children needed.  They loved them, snuggled them, fed them, kissed them goodnight, and read them stories. 

They have bonded to them.  Those children have become intertwined as a part of their family. 

They have sacrificed their own feelings and put aside their fear of loss in order so that these small ones could learn what it means to have a healthy attachment to a caregiver.

This is where foster care is heartbreaking. 

This is the reason many people say no to foster care.  


This is the reason we said no to fostering for so long.  


For me, that changed a year ago because of one, simple sentence.  You can read about it here.  

But in the midst of the hard times, I am constantly reminded that we are not alone. 


I am so humbled and thankful for the folks around us that have offered in so many ways to CARE for the foster families in our church.  

A few months ago, two professional photographers who go to our church offered to start taking pictures of the foster children and their families.  We had the first photo shoot a few weeks ago and eight families were photographed.  Though I can't show you our foster kids photos, I'll share the photo of the young man that Brian and I call our son, though it's not legal or by birth. :) 

Photo by Suzanne Williams Photography and Lori Mercer Photography.  All rights reserved. 

Isn't he handsome? God has some great things in store for this young man.   

And isn't this an amazing picture?  Suzanne Williams and Lori Mercer have so graciously and sacrificially given their time and talents to photograph our sweet foster kiddos.  They have spent hours photographing and editing, expecting nothing in return.  

What they have provided is such an incredible gift- a lasting memory for the foster family and a treasure for that child to take with them to document their past, which in all likelihood, they wouldn't otherwise have been given. 


If you are a local family and looking for a photographer, either one of these ladies would do a phenomenal job!!! 

If you are reading this and have even an ounce of photographic ability, please consider this opportunity to minister to the foster families around you! 

And what about the rest of you? Can't take a picture that's actually in focus? No worries- there are plenty of other ways! 

*Provide a meal for a family that just took in a foster child.  (Can't cook? Order them a pizza!)

*Babysit a foster child for a few hours for free so the parents can have a date night.  (Don't babysit? Then offer to hire one for them for a few hours.) 

*Donate your used baby/children's items to a foster family.  (Already got rid of your kid's stuff? Then donate some baby wipes or diapers!)

*Don't have the resources to do all this?  Then commit to praying daily for a foster family.  What a GIFT that is to them.  

There are so many ways that you can play a small role that has a LARGE impact in the lives of foster families.  


Fostering a child takes a village.  These children NEED to know they are valued and wanted.  It takes time, effort, patience, and stability.  


Helping a foster family will give you a renewed perspective on your family, your life, and what you have been given.  


It WILL open your eyes, it will break your heart, and I pray that it will encourage you to jump in even further.  


Those of us swimming in the deep end would welcome you with open arms. :) 

*If you are a family that is interested in becoming a foster or respite care family and live in the Montgomery Area, please join us August 1st at 6pm at Frazer UMC for Foster Care Q&A night.  Learn more about the process and gain insight from families that are currently fostering.  

The latest.

In hindsight, I maybe most definitely should have informed my husband that I wrote a blog post that would result in a barrage of phone calls, texts, and emails of friends checking in on us.  


We are ok, I puh-romise. 


Actually, we are good! Really good. 


Here's what I can tell you: 


We do not have a new foster child.  Still have our little guy- and it's been eight months since he entered our lives! We have loved every minute of it and are cherishing each day we have with him.  


We also did not get a referral for our DRC adoption. 


I know.  It's a bummer. 


We are still very happy with our agency and know that they are doing everything they can do to make sure adoptions are done ethically and in the best interests of the children in the DRC.  


But there is no end in sight.  And that can be a little wearing on us at times. 


Thanks for the facebook messages, emails, texts, and calls making sure we are okay.  


We're good.  We've got a peace about our recent decision.  


And life is crazy as usual.  :) 




 

And then I received a swift kick to my rear end

Our ONEfamily ministry at our church has an email group of over two hundreds people that are involved in orphan care through fostering, adoption, or supporting families that are currently doing so. 

Last week, I sent out an email to those families encouraging them to consider taking the next Foster Care Training class this coming fall.  

I challenged each of them think about whether it was time for their family to take the step and consider fostering or respite care. 

In fact, here's my exact quote in the email....

"Please prayerfully consider this opportunity.  Foster care isn't always comfortable or smooth-sailing, but it is a tangible and immediate way to care for the orphan in our own city. 

And as I am gently reminded on a regular basis.....God hasn't called us to a life of comfort, he's called us to a life that glorifies Him. 

Is He calling you and your family to glorify Him through fostering? 

I have a feeling there are some of you out there who know it's your turn.  

It's time to take that step of faith."

Bold words.  

One should be careful when sending emails like that. 

Because there's a good chance one may have to live out those words. 

Gahhhhhhhhh.

Not even a few HOURS after sending out that email, we had a situation come up for us that was a big, potentially life-changing decision for our family. 

And as Brian and I prayed about that decision, without reading the email I had sent out, he basically prayed the same words for us that I had just written to other families. 

Swift kick to my rear. 

Because honestly? This situation is hard and uncomfortable. 

Not in a fearing for my personal safety and security kind of way...

More in a "this is going to change the way you do everyday life from here on out" kind of way. 

It may will make things inconvenient.  

It may will change the way we budget and spend our money. 

It may will change our schedule.  

It may will change the dynamic of our house. 

It is out of my comfort zone. 

And in that tension- in the space between the part of me that craves comfort and resists change and the part of me that knows that ultimately God's plan for our family is so much greater than I can fathom....is a glimpse of what this decision could mean. 

When I push aside the discomfort and the inconvenience, I see the potential for healing and hope and dreams to be answered that had long been given up. 

I can't share the specifics at this point.  (you can email me and maybe I'll share. :) 

But I can officially say my rear end has been kicked. 

The email I wrote trying to challenge other families to step outside their comfort zone was apparently meant just for me.

I hate it when that happens.  

Where the Magic Happens

Disney! 

Some of you were heading in a totally different direction with that title....admit it. 


This past week we rode into Orlando on the heels of Tropical Storm Debby.  We joined my parents and sister's family for a few days at Disney World. 


Though good ol' Debby wreaked havoc on much of the state, she actually left us with a mildly rainy and cooler week.  We even had some days with a breeze and low humidity.  Hello? Florida in June? 


I came out of this trip without been puked or pooped on so I count it a major victory in the world of traveling with a baby. 


All in all, it was a really great week.  We had our tickets generously given to us by a friend.  Spent some sweet, quality time with my family that I rarely get to see.  Got five interrupted days with my husband and little guy.   


It did my heart good. 




Bringing an infant to Disney World anytime soon? Here's a list of what you can do on your trip. 


1.  Take the baby on Space Mountain. 


2.  Just kidding. 


3.  Take the baby on It's a Small World ride.  


4.  Sit in the shade while the baby naps. 


5.  Count how many families are in matching t-shirts. 


6.  Take the baby on It's a Small World ride. 


7.  Snap 5,204 pictures of the baby in Mouse Ears.  

Wish I could show you the full picture because he's pretty much
the cutest mouse you've ever seen. 

8.  Sit in the shade while the baby naps. 


9.  Get as many pictures with Disney characters as possible, because the baby is too young to be deathly afraid of them yet. 
(Our sweet boy loved touching Mickey's nose when he 
met him :)


10.  Take the baby on It's a Small World ride. 


Repeat steps 3-10. 




*Thanks to all of my friends who gave me great advice and travel tips before our trip!*