For example.... cooking. I need a recipe. And I need all of the ingredients. No substitutions. "What if" it tastes horrible because I forgot the cilantro? "What if using cheddar cheese instead of monterrey jack will alter the intended flavor combination? "What if" I poison Brian because it wasn't cooked enough?
You see what he has to deal with.
I never pulled an all-nighter in school. Not once. All work was done ahead of time. I could leave nothing to chance. I always read my assigned reading. "What-if" there was a fire in the dorm the night before an exam that took 12 hours to put out. How would I study? "What if I came down with the measles at 11pm the night before a paper was due and I hadn't finished? I had to be prepared, people. If it was in the syllabus, I was completing it. It was done by 10pm the night before.
I live on the edge.
Back to this week...and the "What-ifs." This adoption journey is already been a bit of a roller-coaster. I'll compare it to Thunder Mountain Railroad at Disney for now. Nothing super crazy, just some small hills and quick turns. We haven't gone upside down or dropped straight down screaming our lungs out yet.
But it's been stressful. For Brian, the burden is providing for us as family and for the adoption. In case you hadn't heard, adoption ain't cheap. Like most men, he wants to be a great provider for us, and he is. My job, on the other hand, is to be in charge of spending his provision. Just kidding. But really.
I feel the burden of making sure that we are using our finances wisely in this adoption. I have been the one who has done the research for adoption. Not because Brian didn't want to, just because this is the stuff I love doing. So I have researched. And researched. And researched. And that can be good and bad. There are a lot of good resources out there and there are a lot of opinions from folks out there as well. And some of those people are bitter and kind of crazy.
In my "What-if" mind, I start listening and doubting. I have found the agency, the home-study placement agency, and researched the Congo. All of this I have shared with Brian, but I have done most of the legwork. So I feel the weight of the adoption decision. "What-if" I didn't choose the best agency for us? "What-if there was something that was a better fit? "What-if I didn't research enough?"
Because of those factors- it's very volatile and unstable in the adoption process. Which is actually normal for countries just opening to international adoption. And as I said before, we knew this going into it. But I "what-iffed" it a lot this week. "What if" the country shuts down adoptions before we complete ours? "What-if" another civil war breaks out? "What-if" our child gets sick and dies before we get to bring them home?
Those are, unfortunately, real concerns.
I spoke with someone who just brought home their boy from the DRC in December. She spent a week with him in the hospital while in country because he had malaria. The doctors told her that he probably wouldn't make it. He did.
The day she went to court with him, she expected to be there an hour for processing. For NINE hours she sat with her young son, while the judge wrote everything on carbon copy paper. All paperwork was in boxes around the room. No technology. This is a whole different ball-game.
I know we are taking a risk. But the DRC grabbed our hearts and hasn't let go yet. There are days when I can stamp out my "what-ifs" with Truth. And there are days when the "what-ifs" win.
Today, Truth wins. My God is bigger and He reminded me that this morning as I was reading.
"I will have no fear of bad news; His heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord." Psalm 112:7
I am choosing to trust today. Choosing to remember the call that God has imprinted on our hearts to adopt.
We are pressing forward to the DRC until God tells us otherwise.