I'm an expert at taking below-average quality pictures. Thanks to Instagram, I can post them for all the world to enjoy and make them marginally better by adding a sepia-toned filter.
I've done extensive research (not really) and put together the top five Instagram photos you're likely to see on everyone's profile.
Take a peek and decide if you can really call yourself a true Instagrammer.
1. The Vacation + Appendage Photo
It's important to take a picture of your beautiful vacation destination to remind all your Instagram minions how pitiful their lives are at that moment. In the picture, be sure to include a foot in the sand or a hand holding a frosty beverage. It's a guarantee to make all your friends jealous as they scroll through Instagram while sitting in their cubicle on a lunch break.
2. The Cute Kid
Every Instagrammer should have a picture of an adorable toddler in their portfolio. It's the money shot, sure to garner numerous likes from your followers. They're your own child, your niece, your next door neighbor or some random kid you've babysat once. The ridiculous cuteness of said child forces you to post a picture of them. All of your Instagram followers love you for it. At least that's what you assume.
3. The Throwback
#Tbt. If you're a legit Instagrammer, you know what this hashtag means. Instagram's Throwback Thursday offers an open invitation to anyone with no sense of shame or self-respect to upload embarrassing nuggets from the past. As a prime example, see the above pixelated photo from the early 80's, complete with high-waisted shorts, feathered hair, and tube socks.
4. Coffee Cup + Computer/Book + Deep Thoughts
The cozy coffee picture. This indicates you're a deep and introspective thinker who sips lattes, reads the latest books on theology and the economy and simultaneously blogs about justice and world peace. (Real talk, y'all. I haven't had time to get through an entire book in, well, forever. Unless you count Brown Bear, Brown Bear, in which case I have finished that book 4,230 times in the past month.)
5. The Hand-Crafted Masterpiece
Homemade and handmade is all the rage. Obviously, after going to all that trouble and spending all those hours to hand-make some dang thing off Pinterest, you are going to Instagram the heck out of it. And your followers BETTER like it and comment.
And Pinterest, quit telling me how much money I'm going to save when I make it myself. You're a big, fat liar.
The above photo is of my homemade cupcakes for J-man's first birthday last November. I actually did a test run of them to make sure they were okay before the final batch. It was rather ironic, considering J-man devoured his and then puked the entire cupcake right back up. I decided to not put THAT picture on Instagram. You're welcome, world.
What did I miss? Any others we need to add to the list?